1. During the first session with the angry man alone, I recommend that, for the next session, he invite his wife in for a session with the two of them. Often the couple is separated, or the woman has filed for divorce. Often, the woman does not want marital therapy but wants him to work on his problem by himself.

2. Coaching on the invitation for session two. I have the angry man do the inviting, which is part of his therapy. I suggest that he explain to his wife that she would be the consultant in the joint meeting and he would be the patient. I suggest he explain that this would be a one-time consultation, not the start of joint therapy. Last, but most importantly, he will tell her: “I need your help.” This phrase is one he probably has never said to anyone, and it’s rarely one a wife, or even a former wife, will pass up.

3. Introduction in session two. I greet the wife and thank her for coming. I explain that she will be my consultant today on how I can help my “sick patient.” I turn to him and say that his main job will be to “shut up and listen.” I find men like clear behavioral instructions they can follow and be rewarded for. I explain that he hired me to make her a happily married woman, and he will do whatever it takes.

4. Positive change? I first ask the angry man’s wife if she has noticed any positive change in the last week. She sometimes reports that he no longer argues with her over the phone. I celebrate any small improvement. I explain that she should see more improvement every week (motivation for him to change)

5. What does she want to be different? I take careful notes as to what she wants to be different. Typically, it is a lot of work to get this into behavioral terms. Example: “I want better communication!” That could mean: a. shut up and let her talk; b. stop interrupting; c. take her wishes seriously; d. do what she wants more of the time without arguing; or e. all of the above. This takes most of the session, and I strive to have a list of ten things that I can read back to her. I then ask whether, if he did these things over time, she would let him back in the house or be a happily married woman. If not, then I find out what it would take.

6. If there is any history of family violence, then I go over with the wife that she is to call 911 if it occurs again. No matter what! If she has called the police on the angry man, then I compliment her and encourage her to do it again if it happens again. (Another way to motivate the angry man).

7. Would you be willing to come back in 6 weeks and give us a report card? I have never gotten anything but a “yes” to this question. This gives the angry man the clarity that he has ten behaviors to work on and a timeline and motivation to get going..

Special Thanks to Newton Hightower, LCSW